No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
