The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
