If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i've created a new STD.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
