I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
