my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
