I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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