I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
