She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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