Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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