I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
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somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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