the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
