So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
