I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
