True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
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I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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