it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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