How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
