Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
