I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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