Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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