She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm like, not good at living.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
