You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
