It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
