just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
only you would photoshop your dick
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
