I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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