I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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