Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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