The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
