last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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