I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
