I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
