he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
