Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
