His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
