Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
