i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
