and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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