genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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