Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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