Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
