I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
