dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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