he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
