1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
