i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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