I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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