just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
