I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
