If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
