Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
