I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
