My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think i got beer on your cat.
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