Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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