Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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