I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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