Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
