she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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