Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
