I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize