She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
